Editing our wants

The average person wants to feel well liked by their peers, respected and accepted by their family, cherished by their significant other, and adored by their pets. (That’s not just me, right?) Focusing solely on romantic relationships, I feel as though I’ve learned how to control what I want from another person.

I spent a good portion of my life expecting all of my relationships to be perfect. I watched far too many Freddie Prinze Junior movies, where there would be some conflict or misunderstanding, then a grand gesture and a happily ever after. Then I spent the last year or so realizing, more than ever, that life is not a movie.

I am starting to understand why the male gender always thinks females are “crazy” or why they don’t understand us. I think its because females have this happily ever after notion in their heads and after any fight or break up, the guy will come to his senses and realize he can’t live without her. I also think these fantasies never even cross the minds of our male counterparts. But in a girl’s perfect world, he’ll drive over in the rain and bang on her door, begging for her to take him back. Or in an equally unrealistic, movie-driven ideal, he would fly across the world to tell her he was sorry.

Fortunately for myself, I think that I’ve overcome my own wistful wanting for a fairytale romance, and stopped expecting people to be perfect. There are too many emotions, like pride, self consciousness, and the ability to be distracted by the next shiny thing for anyone to play out that Hollywood romance that movies make so many of us dream about.

For my own good, I’ve realized that no one will ever say exactly what you want them to say or do what you want them to do, so I’ll no longer:

-Plant the perfect conversation in my head

-Let the flawless date sit at the back of my mind

-Allow disappointment with imperfection poison my thoughts

-Believe that I’m starring in my own romantic comedy

Though, to be clear, I’m not saying I’ve necessarily struggled with being disappointed in flaws, or dating for that matter on any large scale.

Who am I to complain? This is all the man I could ever want, anyway.

(Kidding. Half-kidding)

Editing Expression

The way we express ourselves to the people in our lives can differ, depending on our relationship with them and how that relationship has been nurtured since its birth.

I believe our circles are divided into groups of people we feel comfortable saying things to, and those we don't. For instance, telling a person you love them. Whether it be romantic, familial, or friendly, each person expresses themselves differently.

For instance, for me, I have no problem telling the friends that I've had for over 10 years that I love them. We've grown up saying it to each other or grown into it and are comfortable with each other. Though, we aren't like Full House and say it like we're giving out hugs every time someone leaves a room. It comes out in situations when one of us is having a hard time and isn't forced. I guess, in my case, the way I express myself to my friends is not edited.

In terms of family, I didn't grow up in one like the Tanners, who were all about hugging and I-Love-You's. Over the years I've come to realize that the way my dad shows affection for his children is by fixing our cars, buying us medicine when we were sick, and pretending to drop woodticks in our hair. The way my mom expressed her love for me, is through support and endlessly giving us anything we need. (Note: Not anything we wanted-we were not spoiled children)

The way my brothers and I express how much we care about each other is through obvious respect, interest in each others lives, and how close we are. We don't need to tell each other because its very apparent to anyone who knows us just how much we love each other.

It took a long time to figure out why my "love" comfort levels seemed be so unbalanced within different groups of people in my life, but I came to the conclusion that the way we edit how we express ourselves is based on the way we are nurtured by our first, longest, and closest relationships.

Labels given to us and how they edit our identities

The way other people think of us is not always in our control. We may try our best to present ourselves in a certain way by editing our speech, looks, and personality, but first impressions can be immediately influenced by how we are introduced or referred to.

Winnipeg, in particular, is a small city. More often than not, when you meet someone for the first time, you will discover a mutual friend or acquaintance. In my experience with meeting new people, all introductions seem to follow the same script:

Hey _____, this is John Smith's (sister/brother/friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/cousin/ex-girlfriend/roommate) Sara. 


Sara, this is John, he is best friends with my sister's boyfriend's cousin. 

From these first words, impressions are immediately made about you, based off who you are connected to in the introduction. I spent a lot of my life being introduced as ____'s girlfriend, instead of just Sara Harrison. It never really bothered me when I was younger, because at that age I just wanted to belong to something, or someone. Now, I just want to be introduced as myself and maybe throw in the mutual connection later. I feel that when I'm introduced in regards to who I'm related to, my entire identity (in the eyes of that person) is warped by what they think of my connection. 

For example,
John, this is Sara. She's Tracy's little sister.
Sara, this is Mike's older brother, John.

Sara knows Mike is really intelligent and has a great, sarcastic sense of humour. John knows Tracy from high school and has heard really scandalous rumours about her. People often take this knowledge and transfer it to  the person they're meeting.

Some of my girl friends are often introduced as _____'s little sister and feel like their identity is overshadowed by who their sibling is, whether she is gorgeous, or incredibly charming, or is the Harvard Law School-type smart. And after being introduced as related to someone so smart and great, they feel like who they are is edited by who their connection is. Instead of being able to make your own impression, you become who your connection is. I guess, hence the expression, "you are who your friends are."